What’s my Healthy Relationship IQ?
Give yourself a point for each sentence that describes the relationship you are in now. If you don’t have a partner right now, think about if these sentences describe what you would want in a relationship.
- We both decide how we’re going to spend time together as a couple; no one is “in charge.”
- We still find time for our own activities, apart from each other.
- My partner is there for me in the good times and the bad.
- It’s okay to disagree with each other; we can talk about our differences and look for “win-win” solutions.
- We’re comfortable about taking time away from each other, to spend with our own friends and family.
- We’re not afraid to say how we feel about things.
- We don’t worry about what will happen if the other person gets angry.
- We respect each other’s limits, and don’t pressure each other to go beyond those limits.
- Neither of us restricts or controls the other.
- We’ve taken time to become sexually intimate, and we’re able to be honest about our feelings in this part of our relationship.
If you’ve scored 8-10, Congratulations on having such a high healthy relationship IQ!
Less than 8? Maybe it’s time for some honest talk with your partner about the times in your relationship that you feel restricted or controlled or unable to be yourself.
Less than 5? You deserve better. Take the quiz below to see if you relationship is good for you. There are some people you can talk to if you need help figuring out what to do about the relationship you are in.
Is My Relationship Good For Me? (Quiz)
Scoring for each statement: Always, Sometimes, Never.
- I feel pressured to do things sexually even though I have said no.
- I feel like I’m walking on eggshells to make sure my partner doesn’t get mad.
- My partner doesn’t like it when I want to spend time with my friends or family.
- My partner is often suspicious or jealous without reason.
- My partner constantly puts me down, or criticizes my friends, my clothes, my ideas, my beliefs.
- My partner has hurt me and then said it was my fault.
- There are things I’d like to get off my chest, but I’m afraid of his/her anger.
- Our relationship is fine – except when alcohol or drugs are involved.
- I’ve learned that I’d better not disagree or there’ll be trouble.
- I want to break up, but I’m afraid things might get worse.
- My partner bullies me into saying yes (alcohol, drugs, sex).
- He/she “messages” me constantly, even when I ask him/her to stop.
- I’m ignoring his/her behaviour because I don’t want to be single.
If you answered “Always” or “Sometimes” to any of these, think about this: relationships are for feeling respected, trusted and supported… not put down, humiliated or controlled. You should always feel okay about being yourself.
Be a Good Friend
If you are a friend of someone involved in an abusive or violent relationship, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Here are some things you can do if you have a friend who you think may be in an abusive relationship:
OBSERVE: If you see things in your friend’s relationship that worry you (see Warning Signs) talk to your friend about it.
LISTEN: Your friend needs someone to hear their story. They need someone who won’t judge, or try to take control, but will let them talk about their situation in confidence.
SUPPORT: Believe them. Help them to explore the choices they have, and trust them to make the decision that’s right for them.
ENCOURAGE: Suggest a trusted adult for them to talk to (school counsellor, teacher, parent). Offer to go with them.
PROTECT: Talk to your friend about avoiding risky situations, such as being alone with an abusive partner.
REASSURE: Tell your friend that no matter how complicated the situation may seem, they do not deserve to be abused, emotionally or physically. It’s not their fault.
HELP YOURSELF: Don’t put your own safety at risk. Confronting an abuser can sometimes make a bad situation worse.